Opinionated Fat Guy

ernie:

MONTAGE, PREFERABLY TO A REMAKE OF A 90s SONG BY AN ANGSTY TEEN BAND:

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Ernie sitting at a coffee shop, working on his laptop.

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Ernie, sitting in his poorly furnished living room, opening a letter.  It’s a bank statement, but because this is a movie, the piece of paper simply says “BANK BALANCE,” a line graph that goes down and to the right, and, for the hell of it, a frowny frace.  Ernie simply frowns and shakes his head.  

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Ernie sitting at the same coffee shop, working on his laptop. The elderly Korean coffee shop owner is loudly berating a sullen hipster girl over the montage music while Ernie uncomfortably tries to ignore. 

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Ernie greeting his boyfriend at the airport arrival gates. Yay!

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Ernie and Ernie’s boyfriend in a car as they drive down Interstate 5 from Northern California to Southern California, zooming out to reveal dried-out farmland, cow farms and rest stops full of fast food restaurants. Quick shot to Ernie at the side of a Los Angeles road stunned as a tow truck tows away his car that has broken down. Ernie’s boyfriend is calming Ernie down.

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Ernie and his boyfriend in the fabrics section of an IKEA. Boyfriend holds up two swatches of fabric, one bright orange, the other a muted green.  Ernie points at the bright orange. Ernie’s boyfriend just looks at him.

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A shot of a coffee shop awning that says “COFFEE SHOP,” but with a symbol of a caduceus with a marijuana leaf behind it. The camera pans down with a shot of Ernie nervously working on his laptop while people around him are taking bong hits, all of which Ernie is trying to ignore.

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Ernie dropping his boyfriend at the airport departure gates. Boo!

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Ernie, plopping down on his couch exhausted. Scanning the room, it is completely furnished. The re-upholstered footstool, in the bright orange fabric is visible in the shot. Ernie blinks hard a couple of times and tries to figure out what happens next in his life.

This is why I blog and I don’t write movie scripts, folks.

I am the aforementioned ‘boyfriend’ in these scenes. Am I the only one who thinks we’d make for some very interesting and entertaining short films?